Peer Engagement – Shyness – INtroversion
Leaving your circle of friends back in your hometown, where you are from, and starting a new at a college can be scary. Having friends around can be meaningful as it enriches your life and supports you in your transition into and through college. It’s one of the key factors to degree completion and well-being.
If you find that you are sky, reserved, or feel that you are unable to take the initiative with making friends or socializing, then start small and work your way up.
Like many other skills, you can learn to do this more easily by intentional and scheduled practice. For example, every Tuesday for the next two months you could spend an half-an-hour going to the school library and finding people to talk to. Sure, it’s supposed to be a quiet place and people are studying, but you can still reach out and make connections. For example, you can use the template below.
Hi, my name is _______________. How are you? (Wait for a reply). Yes, (make eye contact), I’m a ___________ (year in school, i.e. freshman, sophomore, junior, senior). What year are you in? (Wait for a reply). That’s great, how long have you been at this college / where are you originally coming from (country, city, etc)? (Wait for a reply). Share something you know or some connection that you have to where they are from, or ask a particular question about the area). Yes, I _____________ (share about yourself, such as your subject of study, something about your transition into the college, etc – try to keep it positive and don’t complain). Etc.
This can go on! Just end with “thank you and hope to see you again!” If it’s so good and you seem to enjoy each other's company, consider asking them for their contact info and follow up with them shortly.
Keep a log of your activities. Even time yourself if you have to. Learn breathing techniques. You’ll find that with practice you eventually will become more comfortable with this. Similar to going to the doctor or other dreaded or anxiety-provoking thing, it can be made less intense and easier to do.
The friends we make on and off campus can have a positive, negative or a mix of influences on us – impacting your academic performance, career path, happiness, and life success. For example, you may become a member of an honors program at the start of your second term. And as a result of being around other focused students, you may remain or become more motivated to do well in courses, set higher goals for yourself, got more involved in the community, and possibly received various merit-based scholarships and awards.
Typically, you will make a wide range of friends during your first term in college. Then soon after, you will start to be a little more selective and hang out with just a portion of them. To make more friends, be sure to join groups on campus and go to city events. Be safe and find good friends.
So what are some qualities of a good friendship?
Take a moment and write down some traits and then rank them in order of importance to you.
a). __________________________________________________________________________
b). __________________________________________________________________________
c). __________________________________________________________________________
d). __________________________________________________________________________
e). __________________________________________________________________________
According to research, the following traits are most related to friendship satisfaction and synergy (Miller, 2012):
You can learn more about these and choose to focus on one quality and ways you can cultivate it — a different one each week or month. Identify ways that you can implement it in your daily life. Also consider at least one or two people in your life who you can share this with who will keep you accountable along your path.
If you find making friends is a serious difficulty, reach out for help from school counselors early on.
Some ways to handle peer pressure, based on UC Santa Cruz’s website:
Resources:
How to Handle Peer Pressure. (nd.). Counseling and Psychological Services. University of California, Santa Cruz. URL: https://caps.ucsc.edu/counseling/aod/peer-pressure.html
www.NotAnymore.com
National Sexual Violence
Hazing Prevention Org
Henderson, E., & Armstrong, N. (2013). 100 questions you’d never ask your parents: Straight answers to teens’ questions about sex, sexuality, and health.
Niven, D. (2009). 100 simple secrets of great relationships: What scientists have learned and how you can use it.
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts.
Orenstein, P. (2017). Girls & Sex: Navigating the complicated new landscape.
Reference:
Miller, R. S. (2012). Intimate relationships. (6th ed.) New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Education.
If you find that you are sky, reserved, or feel that you are unable to take the initiative with making friends or socializing, then start small and work your way up.
Like many other skills, you can learn to do this more easily by intentional and scheduled practice. For example, every Tuesday for the next two months you could spend an half-an-hour going to the school library and finding people to talk to. Sure, it’s supposed to be a quiet place and people are studying, but you can still reach out and make connections. For example, you can use the template below.
Hi, my name is _______________. How are you? (Wait for a reply). Yes, (make eye contact), I’m a ___________ (year in school, i.e. freshman, sophomore, junior, senior). What year are you in? (Wait for a reply). That’s great, how long have you been at this college / where are you originally coming from (country, city, etc)? (Wait for a reply). Share something you know or some connection that you have to where they are from, or ask a particular question about the area). Yes, I _____________ (share about yourself, such as your subject of study, something about your transition into the college, etc – try to keep it positive and don’t complain). Etc.
This can go on! Just end with “thank you and hope to see you again!” If it’s so good and you seem to enjoy each other's company, consider asking them for their contact info and follow up with them shortly.
Keep a log of your activities. Even time yourself if you have to. Learn breathing techniques. You’ll find that with practice you eventually will become more comfortable with this. Similar to going to the doctor or other dreaded or anxiety-provoking thing, it can be made less intense and easier to do.
The friends we make on and off campus can have a positive, negative or a mix of influences on us – impacting your academic performance, career path, happiness, and life success. For example, you may become a member of an honors program at the start of your second term. And as a result of being around other focused students, you may remain or become more motivated to do well in courses, set higher goals for yourself, got more involved in the community, and possibly received various merit-based scholarships and awards.
Typically, you will make a wide range of friends during your first term in college. Then soon after, you will start to be a little more selective and hang out with just a portion of them. To make more friends, be sure to join groups on campus and go to city events. Be safe and find good friends.
So what are some qualities of a good friendship?
Take a moment and write down some traits and then rank them in order of importance to you.
a). __________________________________________________________________________
b). __________________________________________________________________________
c). __________________________________________________________________________
d). __________________________________________________________________________
e). __________________________________________________________________________
According to research, the following traits are most related to friendship satisfaction and synergy (Miller, 2012):
- Respect – valuing the other person's worth and having a regard for the other's needs and wishes.
- Trust – sustaining others belief in one's likelihood and ability to follow through with appropriate expectations.
- Capitalization – being attentive, encouraging and cheerful over the other person's achievements.
- Social Support – offering emotional care, physical aid, insights, and helpful feedback,
You can learn more about these and choose to focus on one quality and ways you can cultivate it — a different one each week or month. Identify ways that you can implement it in your daily life. Also consider at least one or two people in your life who you can share this with who will keep you accountable along your path.
If you find making friends is a serious difficulty, reach out for help from school counselors early on.
Some ways to handle peer pressure, based on UC Santa Cruz’s website:
- Permit yourself to avoid people or situations that don’t feel right, and leave a situation that becomes uncomfortable.
- When you can’t avoid or delay a pressure-filled situation, practice saying, “No, thanks” or just “No!” If “no” feels uncomfortable, practice using other responses, such as “Not today,” “Maybe another time,” or “Thanks, but I can’t.”
- Remember that you can’t (and don’t have to) please everyone or be liked by everyone.
- Spend time with people who respect your decisions and won’t put unfair pressure to conform.
Resources:
How to Handle Peer Pressure. (nd.). Counseling and Psychological Services. University of California, Santa Cruz. URL: https://caps.ucsc.edu/counseling/aod/peer-pressure.html
www.NotAnymore.com
National Sexual Violence
Hazing Prevention Org
Henderson, E., & Armstrong, N. (2013). 100 questions you’d never ask your parents: Straight answers to teens’ questions about sex, sexuality, and health.
Niven, D. (2009). 100 simple secrets of great relationships: What scientists have learned and how you can use it.
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts.
Orenstein, P. (2017). Girls & Sex: Navigating the complicated new landscape.
Reference:
Miller, R. S. (2012). Intimate relationships. (6th ed.) New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Education.